Ya pasé horas frente al espejo tratando de descubrir quién soy. Ya tuve tanta certeza de mí, hasta el punto de querer desaparecer. Ya mentí y me arrepentí después. Ya dije la verdad y también me arrepentí. Ya fingí no dar importancia a las personas que amaba, para más tarde llorar en silencio en un rincón. Ya sonreí llorando lágrimas de tristeza, ya lloré de tanto reír. Ya creí en personas que no valían la pena, ya dejé de creer en las que realmente valían. Ya tuve ataques de risa cuando no debía. Ya rompí platos, vasos y jarrones, de rabia. Ya extrañé mucho a alguien, pero nunca se lo dije.
Ya grité cuando debía callar, ya callé cuando debía gritar. Muchas veces dejé de decir lo que pienso para agradar a unos, otras veces hablé lo que no pensaba para molestar a otros. Ya fingí ser lo que no soy para agradar a unos, ya fingí ser lo que no soy para desagradar a otros. Ya conté chistes y más chistes sin gracia, sólo para ver a un amigo feliz. Ya inventé historias con finales felices para dar esperanza a quien la necesitaba. Ya soñé de más, hasta el punto de confundir la realidad. Ya tuve miedo de lo oscuro, hoy en lo oscuro me encuentro, me agacho, me quedo ahí.
Ya me caí muchas veces pensando que no me levantaría, ya me levanté muchas veces pensando que no me caería más. Ya llamé a quien no quería sólo para no llamar a quien realmente quería. Ya corrí detrás de un coche, por llevarse lejos a quien amaba. Ya he llamado a mi madre en el medio de la noche, huyendo de una pesadilla. Pero ella no apareció y fue una pesadilla peor todavía. Ya llamé a personas cercanas de "amigos" y descubrí que no lo eran... a algunas personas nunca necesité llamarlas de ninguna manera y siempre fueron y serán especiales para mí...
No me den fórmulas ciertas, porque no espero acertar siempre. No me muestren lo que esperan de mí porque voy a seguir mi corazón! No me hagan ser lo que no soy, no me inviten a ser igual, porque sinceramente soy diferente! No sé amar por la mitad, no sé vivir de mentira, no sé volar con los pies en la tierra. Soy siempre yo misma, pero con seguridad no seré la misma para siempre!
Me gustan los venenos más lentos, las bebidas más amargas, las drogas más potentes, las ideas más insanas, los pensamientos más complejos, los sentimientos más fuertes. Tengo un apetito voraz y los delirios más locos. Pueden hasta empujarme de un risco y yo voy a decir: "¿Qué más dá? ¡Me encanta volar!"
Clarice Lispector.
I already hid a love for fear of losing it. I already lost a love to hide it. I already secured myself in someone's hands out of fear. I have already felt so afraid, to the point of not feeling my hands. I already expelled people I loved from my life, I already regretted that. I spent nights crying until I fell asleep. I already went to sleep so happy, to the point of not being able to close my eyes. I already believed in perfect loves, I discovered that they don't exist. I already loved people who disappointed me, I already disappointed people who loved me.
I spent hours in front of the mirror trying to discover who I am. I already had so much certainty about me, to the point of wanting to disappear. I already lied and I regretted it later. I already told the truth and I also regretted it. I already pretended not to give importance to the people I loved, to later mourn in silence in a corner. I already smiled crying tears of sadness, I cried from laughing so much. I already believed in people who were not worth it, I stopped believing in those that really were worth. I already had fits of laughter when I shouldn't. I already broke plates, glasses and vases, of rage. I already missed someone very much, but I never told them.
I already shouted when I had to keep quiet, and I kept quiet when I had to scream. Many times I stopped saying what I think to please some, other times I spoke what I did not think to bother others. I pretended to be what I am not to please some, and I pretended to be what I am not to displease others. I already told jokes and more jokes without grace, just to see a happy friend. I already invented stories with happy endings to give hope to those who needed it. I already dreamed of more, to the point of confusing reality. I was already afraid of the dark, today in the dark I find myself, I bend down, I stay there.
I fell many times thinking that I would not get up, I got up many times thinking that I would not fall more. I already called who I did not want just to not call who I really wanted. I already ran behind a car, to take away who I loved. I have already called my mother in the middle of the night, fleeing from a nightmare. But she did not show up and it was a worse nightmare. I already called people close to "friends" and discovered that they were not ... some people I never needed to call them in any way and they always were and will be special for me ...
Don't give me certain formulas, because I do not expect to always succeed. Don't show me what you expect from me because I will follow my heart! Don't make me be what I am not, don't invite me to be the same, because honestly I am different! I don't know how to love in half, I don't know how to live by lying, I can't fly with my feet on the ground. I am always myself, but surely I will not be the same forever!
I like the slowest poisons, the most bitter drinks, the most potent drugs, the most insane ideas, the most complex thoughts, the strongest feelings. I have a voracious appetite and the craziest delusions. They can even push me off a cliff and I'm going to say: "What else can happen? I love to fly!"
Clarice Lispector.
